just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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