In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
