Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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