btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
