That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
