OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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