She announced her abortion via fbk
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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