Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
