we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
