I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
