I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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