sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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