Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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