I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
