Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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