Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Randomize
