I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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