Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
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Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
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I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I deserve this hangover.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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