can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
