im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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