All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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