Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
