Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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