I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Randomize
