I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
