now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
