Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
