Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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