he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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