What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
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Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
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I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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