Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
