You work out of a Hotel?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
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Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
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When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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