remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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