just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
