Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
