I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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