You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
