anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
