Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
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You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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