I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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