Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
