i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
