There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
