three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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