What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
