nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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