It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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