I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
