happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
