I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
