Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
