You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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