I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
