cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
