I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
