this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
