I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
