Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
