I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
