Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
