I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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