k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
