Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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